Lily's Regrets
by Artika
Summary: Lily's POV of her relationship with Severus. Evans/Snape
1. Chapter 1

I used to think I had a hard childhood. Everyday, for as long as I can remember, I was both afraid and excited about what I might do. Magic would erupt from me in uncontrollable bursts, sometimes in a frightening way, but one person changed everything.

Now, looking back (at the ripe old age of 21), I see what my years past age nine consisted of: a certain black-haired boy. I cannot think back to adolescence without thinking immediately of my best friend, Severus. He changed my world--my life, in more ways than I think he knows.

Before I met him, I thought I had it rough. Petunia was so jealous of me and incredibly angry, as well. My parents were, at their best, exasperated, and at their worst, scared of me. But he...he understood...made me realize I could use the power coming from within me. I would like to think I helped him as well...that in some small way I paid him back for showing me I wasn't a weirdo.

Despite all my sister said and the fear I'd catch in my parents' faces, I never felt unloved. Severus was another story. I can't help but get emotional thinking of the mental, physical abuse he suffered...that he never felt loved by his parents. Once I knew, it explained so much. It put a higher value on the compassion and concern he expressed for me. Feeling unworthy of love would undoubtedly send a person searching for affirmation of their self-worth: power, respect, influence. Underneath it all was a desire to be loved, to be wanted.

That was what I saw in him. That was what drew me back to him when we argued. We never overtly talked about "love," at least not until much later and even then, I did not understand. But I knew he needed it from me. And I was lucky enough to give it to him for a while. That was the easy part--who doesn't love their best friend, after all?

So we spent time together, talked for hours, exchanged gifts at holidays and such. At thirteen, it became clear we were young adults and instead of shrinking from each other, as so often happens between friends of the opposite sex, we grew closer. We grew closer and our relationship took on a different tone. We still talked for hours and spent long periods of time together, but...and maybe he didn't notice as I did...we would find ourselves holding hands as we walked. Lazing about in our glade, we would end up laying together under a tree. We would always hug our goodbyes.

It was once our relationship became more physically demonstrative that my feelings for him could not be ignored. I sought him out at every oppurtunity. I would look at him in class and silently will him to look at me. I found excuses to touch him.

Maybe I wasn't obvious enough, but he did not seem to notice...or maybe he simply didn't care. I didn't want to push it, but nothing felt so right as touching Severus. If he saw me as his "sister," he wouldn't wonder about kissing me, like I wondered about him. So I did my best to quash my feelings...blaming hormones or the weather for my shivers of delight at his embrace, for keening when he gently stroked my hair, for my eye-lock on his lips.

Damn. There I go again...torturing myself. Severus and I were very close friends. Nothing else. We lead separate lives and have separate hearts now. It is nearly impossible for me to stop myself from wondering, "What if?" Things seemed like they were about to change for us in our fifth year and then he...


	2. Chapter 2

"Can I sit here?"

He turned his head and eventually his eyes followed and met mine. I couldn't help but smile as he visibly collected himself. He didn't break the eye contact as he spoke, "Of course." He gestured to the spot beside him. The tree was providing him shade and cover from the other students that might be around.

I settled myself beside him and could not help but slide right next to him so that our shoulders were touching. His reaction to my closeness was to shiver...or maybe it was a shudder. I couldn't be completely sure, but he did not move away, so my hopes were not dashed. I stretched my legs in front of me.

"Severus?"

"Hmm?" he said without looking up from the book. My eyes were drawn to his hand, perched on his book. Curled slightly, they looked graceful. They were pale with very short nails and large knuckles, which only emphasized their lanky length and thinness. They fascinated me to no end. I had to put my hands forcefully in my lap to prevent myself from touching them. I could imagine they would be slightly cool. The back of his hand would be softer than I could ever imagine, but the palm would be slightly rough.

Stop, I told myself. Stop doing that.

"Evans?"

Broken from my reverie, I found him looking at me intently. His skin was at least as pale as mine, but whereas my own was almost translucent, his was... thicker somehow. The perfect covering after all. No blood could be seen running under his skin. Maybe that was why I was never really sure what he was thinking. It was far too easy to interpret his every move in more than one way. Was he hiding feelings for me or just hiding from me?

"Sorry..." Don't look at his lips. Don't look at his lips. Of course, I did. "Do you want to study for history of magic this evening?"

Severus seemed to contemplate this and I think he might have sneaked a look at my lips. "Yes."

Relief washed over me. "How are you?"

Still he stared. "There has been no change." Finally, he sat back against the tree again and his book was laid aside.

"Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. They are such gits, those guys. I wish--"

He interrupted me, "I don't need your pity. And the Marauders-" I didn't have to look at him to feel the scorn in him at this word, "are something I have come to expect. There will always be Potters and Blacks in the world." His sigh was sad, but he seemed to be trying to make it sound unconcerned.

"I don't pity you. I just want something different for you. You...you deserve better." I put my hand on his arm without even realizing it, turning toward him. He grabbed my wrist and easily snatched the other between his other hand. In a surprisingly graceful move, he pulled my arms around his neck and I clasped them out of habit. His face was so close. I felt my breathing quicken and while my body relaxed, my arms tensed and my mind raced. Could this be what I want it to be?

But I still wasn't sure. He slid his arms around my waist as I carefully settled myself in his lap. Severus brought his lips to my ear and his breathing was like my own--quick, short, a little raspy.

"Seh--" But my words were lost beneath his lips and the sigh that escaped instead was far more embarrassing. He took no notice, tightening his arms around my waist to bring me ever closer to him. Or at least I hoped that was why...

He kept his lips pressed to mine, insistently yet also gentle. It felt pretty nice. There was a funny tickling in my stomach. And he didn't move. Finally, I pulled back from him just enough to look at him and tilted my forehead against his. "Sev, am I your first kiss?" Gryffindor pride, Lily, don't forget it. He turned his head into my arm, but did not release his strong grip around my waist. Muffled, soft, I heard "Yes."

I kept myself from chuckling and whispered, "I know you have better in you than that. Think of something that makes you happy when you kiss. Kiss how you think you would like to be kissed." He turned back to me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. His eyes were heavy.

"Don't hold back," I whispered and closed my eyes. I was scared of his reaction, but was pleasantly suprised when his lips met mine. Soft, slightly swollen lips pressed to mine, kissing over and over, lips closed. But within seconds, his lips parted and his tongue darted out to glance upon my lower lip. It was like a live wire had touched my spine. Goosebumps erupted across my arms and up my neck, resulting in a shiver of pure delight. Severus tightened his arms around me and our kiss deepened as he slid his tongue in my mouth.

Kissing him was better than I had imagined. He was inexperienced, but eager. My best friend is kissing me. And it's good. It's really good. Without realizing it, I had tightened my own grip around his neck and we were now very close. Somewhere inside, I realized that if I held to him maybe the rest of the world would simply disappear and we would be left here together...alone. No houses, no darkness. Just two best friends becoming lovers.

The dirty thoughts racing through my brain unbidden caused my cheeks to flush and another silly sigh to escape. He pulled back just a little and our eyes met.

"Lily?" he whispered. I did not reply, but kept eye contact.

Finally, he spoke. "Was that better?"

I chuckled and nodded. "That was amazing, Severus." He closed his eyes and he looked so handsome for a moment--his face relaxed, the corners of his puffy lips turned slightly upward. When his eyes opened, I saw happiness. It made my breath catch and my heart ache. Maybe I had underestimated him. Maybe he did want more than a friendship. Then again...

"I am sure this will ruin everything, but you know we cannot tell anyone about this." He loosened his grip on me a bit. In response, I squirmed closer to him. I had no intention of him using this to pull us from this golden moment we were sharing.

"I am willing to do that." He looked suddenly surprised. "Only for you. If it were up to me, I would tell everyone who I want to be with. I understand your predicament though." He nodded. "I hope that doesn't mean we have to stop now, does it?" I tried to give him as mischievious a grin as I could.

He pulled me into a tight hug and his lips came to my ear again as he whispered, "Not for anything." And this time, I kissed him.


	3. Chapter 3

That evening, I was preparing to meet Severus in the library to study. The evening had been a disaster though, so I wasn't sure if he would even show.

It had all began with Sirius catching me staring at the Slytherin table.

"Oi! Evans! What are you looking at? Something we can enjoy as well?" Black sat to my left and Potter sat to my right. I sighed heavily and attempted to ignore them, but it was as fruitless as ever.

"Padfoot, I think she was looking at Lucius! Does he have something on his face, Evans?" James said, bumping me with his shoulder.

"No...and her look was not of a funny variety come to think of it..." Sirius trailed off and realization spread across his face.

James seemed to understand as well. "Wait, wait, wait. No--you don't have a thing for Lucius, do you Lily?" The anxious look on his face was priceless.

I smirked and shook my head.

"You do! Oh my, Lily...you like bad boys, don't you? James, you may be in luck," Sirius added, poking his friend in the back. James spluttered a bit and said, "No way. If she's into Slytherins, I am nowhere near greasy enough or...pale enough. I can't spend that much time underground."

I just chuckled a bit at their banter as they continued to rib on each other and the Slytherins. I figured there was no harm in letting them think whatever they liked, as long as I knew the truth.

After dinner, in the common room, I had barely settled into a chair when Mary rushed to my side. She bent over and whispered in my ear, "So, do you really like Lucius Malfoy?"

I was aghast to say the least. I think the look on my face said it all, but I said, "NO...no way. Who said that?"

Mary smiled with relief. "James, Sirius, Peter, you know. The usual. They are telling everyone."

"What?!" I jumped up and fled through the portrait hole to find them.

I found them just outside the library...surrounded by students: Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and...oh, no Slytherins. As I approached them from behind, I heard Sirius, "Yes, Lily Evans, a Gryffindor, has fallen for a Slytherin." The group was laughing. "Who is it Sirius?" "Why?" "Oh my gosh!"

"Sirius! James!" Obviously startled, they turned to me. My hands went to my hips and I threw my head back as I surveyed them coldly. "What is wrong with you guys?"

"Ha!" Sirius scoffed. "Are you kidding me, Evans? These fine folks wanted to know why I was laughing." His brows raised. "I couldn't very well lie, could I?"

I could feel my face reddening from anger and frustration. "You guys know it's not true."

"Why are you so red, then, Evans?" James asked. He looked...confused.

"I am angry. There is no reason to spread untrue rumors." I was ready to stalk away when a commotion came from the door of the library.

"Move! Out of the way!" Over heads, I made out a pale head and a dark head moving through the crowd, pushing people out of their way. James, Sirius and Peter stepped back and Severus and Lucius stepped through the gap.

"Look, Evans! Is your heart beating fast? Do you feel light-headed?" Sirius couldn't seem to help himself. Lucius and Severus had stopped and I was suddenly the focus of everyone's attention. I could feel myself blushing hotly.

"Sirius--"

"What is this?" Lucius asked, his nose held high as always. The scorn was obvious in both his tone of voice and his eyes as he looked me over. "Well?"

My eyes darted to Severus and for a moment, our eyes met, but he blinked and turned to Lucius. "Let's just go, Lucius."

Lucius slowly turned to Severus, narrowing his eyes at him. Then he turned to Sirius. "What is this, Black?"

I tried to beg Sirius with my eyes, but he didn't look at me. "Evans here has a crush on a Slytherin."

Lucius' turned to Sirius and I saw Severus looking at me again. He looked concerned and shocked. I shook my head. "It's not--"

"Who?" Severus said quietly. He was now looking at Sirius, too.

Sirius was obviously enjoying being the center of attention. "Well," he said, pausing for dramatic effect, "our little Evans has a crush on Lucius." The laughter echoed through the corridor. Only myself, Severus and Lucius were not laughing.

Lucius' sneer conveyed his reaction, but Severus' blank look said nothing. I could not read him at all. "Let's go, Snape," Lucius said haughtily. "Sirius, you can tell your house-mate that I do not consort with her kind, except in the middle of the night in the owlery after much firewhiskey." He smirked at me as he walked past. Severus kept his eyes on Lucius' back as he followed.

"Too far, Lucius. You better watch your mouth!" James was yelling after the two retreating tall figures.

I turned to him, ire radiating from me. "Too little too late James." With that, I turned and walked away.

Now I was not sure Severus would show up for our study session. I doubted highly that he believed what the marauders had said about me, but it was impossible to tell. Heaven knows what Lucius said about me after they had left.


	4. Chapter 4

Walking quickly toward the library, I mentally prepared myself to see Severus. He was already seated at a table in the back. I approached as quietly as I could. There weren't many people around luckily.

I put my books down next to his and yanked out the chair beside Severus. I sighed heavily and plopped down. Might as well play it up, right? After all, he knew what had happened.

Severus carefully closed his book, tucking a stray piece of parchment into his spot. "Are you done?"

I crossed my arms and pouted. "No."

"Well, then," he said, reaching for his book. I grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand between mine, wrapping my fingers around his and stroking his fingers. I couldn't help but stare at his hands. He didn't pull it away, so I put his hand in my lap and looked up at him.

He met my eyes and we sat looking at each other for a few long moments. I didn't know what to say to him.

"So what was that today?" he asked finally. He was still looking at me, but his eyes seemed to be riveted on my lips.

"Those jerks. They get an idea in their head and they just can't let it go. I'm sorry you had to see that." I stroked the back of his hand.

"You must realize why they do that." He didn't sound upset. I felt a little of my tension ease at this realization.

"No. I figure they're just gits that like to make trouble."

"Well, that is true of course, but they target you specifically because James likes you."

My head snapped up from where I had been staring at his hand in my lap. "What?!"

Severus squirmed uncomfortably in his chair and tried to pull his arm from me, but I wouldn't have it. He seemed to tense up, but did not try harder to release his hand. "You heard me."

"I don't know how you can say that," I said, turning my attention back to his pale hand. "They tease me and spread rumors and--"

"Why do you think you are the focus of so much of their attention?" He peered at me, seeming to be honestly curious.

"I don't know...they aren't very nice to you either, Sev." He sighed.

"There's a reason for that too, Lily." He was looking down at his book now. "I'm--I would guess that they feel me an easy target."

"No. They are simply cruel and awful. Don't let them get to you." He turned sharply. "I don't."

I nodded seriously. He looked so cute when he was defending himself. "I don't like Lucius."

"I know."

"And I don't want to meet him in the owlery late at night."

"I KNOW!" From across the room came a loud "Sshhh!" But still he was looking at me.

I imagine I looked visibly relieved. "Thank goodness. I thought...well..."

"You thought I might believe it." He looked away again, but this time only for a moment.

"Yes."

"I know better, Lily." I nodded in response. "Are we going to study one-handed tonight?" he asked lightly.

"Perhaps. Shouldn't we discuss what happened this morning?" Something like fear crossed his face before he controlled it again. I couldn't help but smile.

"So..."

"Yes?" he asked. I sighed. He was not going to make this easy on me...of course.

"Well, if it's up to me to start this conversation, so be it. What do you say we try for honesty?" I tilted my head at him. He simply nodded. "Okay, then. Let me begin by saying I really enjoyed kissing you. I am so glad I was your first kiss!" He scowled and looked down at our entangled hands.

"Why are you so glad?"

"Oh come on Sev. I thought we were going to be honest?! What happens when I pour my heart out and you just sit there and scowl? How will I feel then?" I could feel the redness returning to my pale face, as even my ears were warming. The kernel of frustration was becoming a bowling ball. "Must you be so infuriating?"

He seemed to think that was funny. I have to admit, it did me good to hear him laugh. I couldn't interrupt. When he quieted, he turned towards me again and put his other hand on top of my own.

"Lily, if you truly want to hear the truth, I am willing to tell you." I felt my eyes widen. "But not here." "Oh..." I said softly. "Well, okay, I guess." And to my surprise, he leaned forward quickly and pressed his lips to mine. "Tomorrow is Saturday. We can meet at that same tree and have a chat...about whatever you would like." Another light kiss. I couldn't tear my eyes from his lips. Maybe if I wished hard enough he would kiss me again.

"For now, let me say that I enjoyed this morning as well." A smile broke across my face as I saw his honesty and sincerity. I leaned close to him as I stood up and whispered in his ear.

"Come on, don't make me wait--do you have feelings for me?" Pause. "Beyond friends, I mean." I didn't move, just waited there, my face millimeters from his ear, his dark hair tickling my cheek.

He turned his head a little and whispered, "I might."


	5. Chapter 5

Waking in my bed that Saturday morning, not long before our OWLS, I was blissfully unaware of what the future held. It pains me to think of the innocent way I dressed that day, of the spring in my step at the thought of alone time with Severus. I had come to a conclusion. Like so many fifteen year old girls, I was in love and I truly believed love would "conquer all." I would like to think I have not changed so much since then, but it is glaringly obvious it isn't so. I know that if Severus wasn't my best friend, I would have be far more apprehensive.

Instead, I was bursting with confidence. In my feelings if not everything else. I loved him. He would love me. I could show him our potential. When I looked at him, I saw our future. I saw a white wedding dress with lace and a silly veil. I saw myself standing in front of him, his eyes shining like the sun, as I held my large, round belly. I saw...well, it doesn't matter what I saw, except that I saw a future with him. I could not imagine myself with anyone else. There was my achilles heel. My affection for my best friend.

Striding out through the front doors, I took a deep breath and paused. The grounds were empty, save for some first years in the distance. I attempted to calm my jack rabbit heartbeat. Calm, I whispered to myself. Calm, Lily. It will be just fine. He will not hurt you.

He was exactly where he said he would be, sitting quietly, a book in his hand. As usual, he did not look up as I took my place beside him.

"Good morning," I said, trying my best to sound casual. My hands were in my lap. It was taking all my focus not to fidget...or reach for him.

He turned to me then and shoulder to shoulder, it made his face very close to my own. Goose bumps down my arm. Where did this chemistry come from? Last year, I would not have felt anything more than his shoulder against mine. Now I was intoxicated by his face so close to mine and the smell of him. Instead of smelling just familiar, he smelled...right. Blasted hormones, I silently screamed at myself. My eyes were on his lips as usual, but I closed my eyes to focus.

A second later, I felt his breath on my face and his lips met mine. His lips felt soft and warm, pressed gently to mine. The butterflies in my belly seemed to go crazy. I squirmed and slipped my arms around his waist. His hand briefly touched my shoulder before sliding slowly into my hair. How long had I wanted him to do that? Well, not very long, but still, it felt incredible. I did not protest when he deepened the kiss.

When I pulled back, his face was so relaxed, smooth as a blank canvas. I couldn't help but bring my hand to his neck and run my fingers on his skin. He sighed heavily and sat back, turning his face away.

"Did you wish to discuss the other morning?" he asked, still turned, still being caressed.

Now I sighed and answered affirmatively. I sat back beside him and grabbed his hands from his lap. As I waited for him to speak, I stroked his fingers, his palm, the back of his hand. They were so cool compared to his lips.

He cleared his throat and turned to look at our intertwined hands. "I imagine you have some questions for me."

I sighed again. Of course, he would make me begin. "Well..." I needed time to think, "I guess I would like to know..." Start working brain. "I want to know what we do now."

Silence. Then he spoke, "In regards to?"

I almost laughed out loud at his obvious attempts to pry information from me. Even though I could see through it, I understood.

"Sev, I..." I squeezed his hands, "I have strong feelings for you that are not exactly platonic. To be completely honest, I am overwhelmed by it. I am scared of it. However, a girl falls in love the first time only once and I have decided to give it my all. I would never forgive myself if I didn't."

Silence from him. Awful silence. Gathering myself, I looked up at him finally. His eyes locked to mine and the intensity of his gaze was almost too much. I considered looking away, but it must have been obvious, because he grabbed my face in his hand and held me in place. Startled, my eyebrows raised.

He seemed to take a long moment to gather himself. "Lily," he said, his voice nothing more than a whisper, "I find it unlikely you are in love with me. I am beyond flattered that you believe it is so." He swallowed hard and continued before I could speak. "I need you."

I willed the tears away and tried to hide my dismay, but I was shattered. I never believed he would feel that way. "Why--" I was cut off by his lips, which pressed hard against mine, crushing them, bruising them. I wrapped my arms tightly around him and the tears fell as he slid his tongue into my mouth. When he pulled back, I could still feel his lips on mine. My hand darted up and touched my lips.

"Do you understand?" he said softly, his voice returned.

"No," I said, looking away finally, my fingers still pressed to my lips.

"You must, Lily. I cannot afford to lose you."

I wiped at the tears that had leaked from my eyes and let out a strangled sigh. "Why?" I asked suddenly, turning to him. "You obviously don't want me."

His arms slid around me and though I struggled to move away, he pulled me against him. "Lily," he said softly into my hair, "Of course I want you. I want nothing more. I could die a happy man here under this tree if I thought you loved me the way I love you." More silence. "But it simply cannot be. I will hurt you and you will leave me. It will be all my fault."

My thoughts erupted from my mouth before I could control them. "You can't actually believe that, Severus. How can you be so sure you will hurt me? Don't I get a say in this?" I was getting really frustrated. "No. I simply will not accept it."

"What?"

"You heard me, Sev. I said, no. You will have to come up with a different answer."

"What do you mean?" he asked as I settled back against his chest. He sighed. "Lily, I really think you should think about this. You cannot understand what you are starting."

I smiled widely as I answered, "I have thought about this, Sev. I have mused, mulled and pondered. And the only thing I want is you. Please...give me a chance."

He groaned and held me tighter...almost too tightly. "Fine."


	6. Chapter 6

For a minute, things seemed like they might actually be okay. I didn't know what was to happen would be, in hindsight, a very obvious turning point in my life.

I awoke that Saturday quite early, as was my usual. Severus and I would spend the day together, outside, weather permitting, or in an unused classroom or the library. Today the drafts coming from the windows was enough to tell me we would be meeting inside. I waited for him by the front doors, knowing everyone allowed to go to Hogsmeade would be at the other exit.

He arrived carrying breakfast as I had hoped. We walked aimlessly, looking for a room to duck into. When one wasn't readily found, I joked with him that we would have to reschedule. His response was to sweep me up against the wall and kiss me, his hands on my wrists, not letting me move an inch. It was very hot and pleasantly unexpected.

"Bloody hell, Snape!" came a surprised voice. Of all people, it was Mulciber and a few other Slytherin first and second years. He moved away from me quickly and I was engulfed with a feeling of anger. I didn't yet know where the indignation was directed, but I could feel my face heating up.

"You didn't listen to me at all, did you, Snape? What are you? Stupid?" Mulciber said, his deep voice booming through the corridor. Severus scowled, but said nothing. Mulciber continued berating him, "You bloody idiot!"

And suddenly the whole group of Slytherins turned and began taunting and teasing Severus. "Greasy!" "Blood traitor!" "Idiot!" I had never seen a face get so red. Severus looked like he might erupt like a volcano.

"Leave him alone!" I yelled and grabbed his arm. He flung me off.

"Shut up! I don't need a mudblood to protect me from my housemates!" He turned away from me. I stood stunned for the blink of an eye before turning and running. I did not stop until I couldn't breathe anymore and I didn't know where I was.

As I sat there, beside a painting of two dogs, panting, the only thing going through my mind was: how could he? We had barely discussed his "politics" and he seemed to prefer it that way; now he had basically slapped me in the face. I wish he had.

After collecting myself and willing my legs to stop shaking, I made my way back to Gryffindor Tower. The tears came from anger, as well as sadness. I did not even bother to wipe them away as I walked. Each felt like a badge of honor for being gullible and trusting Severus.

I stopped in stunned silence six feet from the entry to the tower. Severus was standing outside it, a blank look on his face, his eyes boring into me.

"Lily..." he reached out a hand, "please let me explain."

There was still so much anger in me, but seeing him there lessened it some. It helped that he looked scared. In the long moment I sat there, his face began to fall. He wasn't even trying to hide it. He looked so sad.

"Okay," I whispered and took his hand. For a moment, I felt like a giant fool, but as we strolled the halls, finally finding that empty room, I realised how scared I was. Part of me knew I should not accept any apology or explanation Severus could offer. The other part only wanted him to say he was sorry so I could kiss him and convince him to do the right thing.

After he had spelled the door, he sat beside me on the floor. To my surprise, he spoke immediately.

"I am so sorry, Lily. It just slipped out and...I didn't mean it." He glanced at me. "My housemates, they..."

I cut him off. "I saw it, Sev. I can't believe you would stoop to that level though. Why not just walk away?"

"It's just...just not that simple," he said softly. His frustration was obvious. His hands were clenched so tightly, the knuckles were white.

I grabbed his hand, holding it reverently, caressing it. "Would you try? For me?"

Our eyes met and I saw him struggle, but he acquiesced and nodded slightly, his hands gripping mine tightly in response. His lips met mine and I mumbled "thanks" against his lips. Severus slid his arms around me and with awkward movements, he pulled me into his lap. After being so angry with him, being so physically close to him was good, but not satisfying enough. I threaded my arms about him and hugged him as hard as I could. I could feel the tension ease some, but now his hands were holding so tightly to me I swear I could feel each finger. And the kissing was getting passionate and uncontrolled.

He pulled back suddenly, breathing hard, panting really. The look on his face in that moment sticks in my mind. His mouth hanging open, his eyes wide and slightly glazed, chest heaving, his arms still wrapped around me. He looked exhilarated. If only I could always remember him like that.

That evening in the common room, I was having real trouble concentrating on my notes. Monday was the start of a week of OWLs and try as I might, I could not keep my mind on my studies.

Finally, I shut my book and began to pack away, ignoring the guilt I felt that I wasn't studying anymore.

"Evans! I didn't see you in Hogsmeade," James spit, flopping onto the couch beside me. I didn't see any of his pals around, but that didn't mean they weren't somewhere close.

"What do you want, Potter?" I just continued packing my bag.

"I was just hoping to see you there. I did see _Lucius_, though." He mussed his hair. "He didn't ask you to go with him?"

I narrowed my eyes, but finally looked at him. To my surprise, his face was open and honest...and confused. Maybe his friends really weren't around. He was looking directly at me with his mouth slightly open, his eyes seemed to be almost twinkling behind his glasses. "I think you know the answer to that." I tried to sound as calm as possible.

"Do I?" he asked, grabbing my wrist. I shook him off easily, but he held my gaze.

"Yes. I don't have any interest in Malfoy."

"Or any Slytherin, right?" The tension at this moment was nearly awful. I owed absolutely nothing to James, but I was surprised that I felt...nervous. I was torn between telling the truth and keeping the secret for Severus.

"Look, I don't have to answer to you or anyone else, Potter. What do you care anyway?"

He got mad. I so very rarely saw his temper that I cowered at first.

"Are you daft? I mean, don't you think..." his hands clenched into fists and his face reddened. "Lily, I..." He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. I was just trying not to smile at the scene before me.

"Yes, Potter?" I stood, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"Just...be careful," he said, his shoulders slumping, his face dropping. He looked defeated. It shocked me, honestly. All I could think was: it had to be hard for him to be kind to me right now. He probably wanted to shake me.

"Sure, James," I said and to my definite surprise, I reached out and touched his arm. He looked at my hand, then at me. I gave him a small smile and dashed away up the stairs to the dormitories. I couldn't bear to see his reaction to my kind gesture. I knew he would probably read too much into it and I couldn't exactly take it back now.

I flopped onto my bed, dumping my bag on the floor. My mind was buzzing with the events of the day and something about the way Potter had looked at me had struck a chord. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his soft hazel eyes glowing with life and energy. So different from the black pools I was used to gazing into.

"No," I said aloud, shaking my head. "Stop, Lily."


End file.
